Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
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HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.