Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
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I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
the three branches of government
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.