Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
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[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
What kind of a cult is this?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.