My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
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“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”