Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
uh oh
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.