Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I like crazy people until they notice me
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.