14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
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Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.