Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
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My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
A French press is when you hug naked
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
These aliens are taking forever.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]