Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
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I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
britain’s three elite institutions
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream