Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
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I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.