Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
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The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Van Gone
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Canada has crack?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?