Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
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Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.