Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
You Might Also Like
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
ibopfufen
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.