He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
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Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.