him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
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me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
☠️☠️☠️
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN