Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
how to have an accident 101
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.