Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted