A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
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I support this random dude and all his protests
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Check out the legs on this baby
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.