Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
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How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Pigeon open mic night.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now