Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
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I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Admin smashed it 😂
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
This was a bad idea all around