Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
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me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.