@Fyrekrakr73: Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
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@envydatropic: I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work..... I've never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
@nonchalantnacho: Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
@DonQuickoats: Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip