Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
You Might Also Like
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
it is time once again
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.