You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
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doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
won’t smith
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.