“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
You Might Also Like
I’m too immature for adultery.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy