His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
The options really are this bad
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I put the p in pants.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Scream sneezers need love too.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
looks legit
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg