his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Print is alive and well!!!
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.