his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Can’t, holding a grudge