Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
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Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
can I use a minion as a tampon
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
hey, alexa
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
#growingpains
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I need a headline like this