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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
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I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.