*hit man puts on silencer* *shoots gun* Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS Wth? *looks at case* Oh I brought the awkward silencer

@daemonic3: Sloth 911: What's your emergency [1 week later] Sloth: I'VE BEEN SHOT [1 week later] Sloth 911: DON'T MOVE! We'll be there in a month

94

@Dadpression: Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

1

@theshantilly: *glamorously folds laundry *seductively wipes off countertops *slowly bends over to pick up toys *sexily trips over the cat...

1

@hashtag_stacks: 'Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate'- my autobiography

1

@tastefactory: The ants won't go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

1

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