*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
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[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.