@TheWoodenslurpy: [at stadium with child] Me: That is batball. [at the races] Me: That is horse circles. [at the opera] Me: This is horned yodeling.

@AndrewChamings: I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

@NurseSeymour: There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

@FuckabillyRex: I have a bad feeling I'll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.

@QueenofSparta: Do Twitter your way. But don't mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.