[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
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constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Why I divorced her.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.