HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.