HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Best misinterpreted text ever!
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Spell check is for lasers.
i really liked this one
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.