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My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
lol
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”