I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
You Might Also Like
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*