*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
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If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven