Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”