*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
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The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.