[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile