hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks