Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
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A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.