Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
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I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.