I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
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Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W