I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
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They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?