“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
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I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
i could never be president. im overqualified.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I have two kinds of followers
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.