DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
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My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.