Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
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Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Waiting for the Charmin
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
🤭😂
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
(Musicians.)
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.