Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
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They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Whoa 😂
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.