Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
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[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
How does one answer this?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Boom, boom, ching!
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.