[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
You Might Also Like
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?